My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
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KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me