I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely