Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
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We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.