[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
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1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.