I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
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somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding