The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
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My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.