School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
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The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
*weighs self after shaving
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.