Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
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Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Who called it baking and not making love
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.