“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
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Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Quadruple digit IQ
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs