Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
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Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?