Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
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I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.