People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
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Best mom ever 😂
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils