Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
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Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*