“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
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I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
ACED my prostate exam!
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
*gets down on one knee*
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.