Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
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is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
The photographer’s assistant
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!