[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
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I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
🐕🍷
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
They did not think through this water fountain
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.