[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
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OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.