If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
went fishing caught a bass
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume