“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
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Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.