My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
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“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
This will teach them to underestimate me
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
“No way.” -Jose
So that’s what we looked like?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.