I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
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Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”