Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
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Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
I hope they boil the right one.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.