When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
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Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.