BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
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[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”