*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
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They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
So sick of all these stupid rules
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.