starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
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A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.