Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
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Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Would you wear it?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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me
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meonstilts
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meandbatmanonstilts