Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
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PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Don’t make me out nice you.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.