ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
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Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.