I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
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11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
there’s probably a fee though
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
do horses think humans are hats