Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
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He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
No Google it does not
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?