Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
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My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
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Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
(Musicians.)
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.