Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
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While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name