I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?