There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
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[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER