Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
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TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
How to woo a woman
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism