Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
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*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.