The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
B
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no