I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
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“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
yeah 😭
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.