Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
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Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
OH. COME. ON.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.