I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
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divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…