My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
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I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
I saw nothing
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff