My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
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I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
🐕🍷
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.