“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
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FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.