How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
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Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
oh u like history? name everything that happened
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.