Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
You Might Also Like
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I never needed anything more in my life
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks