I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.