A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
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Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Alexa: *deep breath*
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin