I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
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If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”