Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
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It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
79.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
getting groceries
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.